Transcript - Episode 017 - The Power of the Wallow
Episode 017
The Power of the Wallow
You can listen HERE.
Wallowing, it happens. No, I'm not talking about the pig rolling around in the mud. I'm talking about you, and your emotions. And using your emotions to create a connected space to your employees and understand their motivations. Getting beyond psychological projections that you might have.
Hi, I'm Daava Mills, The Rebellious Recruiter. Have you ever had that one moment of unrestrained pleasure over the greatest chocolate? Or the lingering devastation over the death of a loved one? Do you feel that having emotion, at a very deep level is a bad thing? Or a good thing? Today, we're going to talk about the allowing yourself, and your staff, to wallow.
So, pull up a seat, lets chat.
Intro Music
Wallowing, from the Old English "walwain," which means to roll about. The current definition includes the phrase "indulge in an unrestrained way."
Years ago, I was at work. I was talking to an estimator who was very lonely, I was trying my hardest shut down the conversation, while still being polite… and failing terribly. I saw on my caller ID that one of my Aunts was trying to call me. I let it go to voicemail a couple times, then the receptionist came over to my desk with a note "your aunt is on the phone, and it's an emergency." My aunt would never lie… I told the estimator on the phone I had a family emergency, and as I abruptly hung up, I heard his voice crack, he was upset I was getting off the phone. I pick up the line with my aunt, and her twin brother had committed suicide. This was before everyone had cell phones, so I was now tasked with finding my mom, on her wedding anniversary, to let her know what happened. I called one of my sisters, found out she had bowling league that day, and called to the bowling alley and had her paged.
What followed was a few days of chaos as my mom's side of the family assembled. Everyone had ideas, but nothing was coming together. My frustration took over, and I sat down to a computer and started barking orders to my 5 aunts and my mom, and I started organizing the flow of the funeral. A few hours into my sudden self-promotion, I realized something… I was taking charge to avoid my feelings, and yet… a funeral needed to happen.
I made a deal with myself; a couple hundred people were getting ready to come to the local VFW hall - and at that moment only two things were set in stone. 1) A three-volley salute followed by 2) a 21-bun salute and a beer chase. My deal? I would make sure the funeral was organized, and I would focus on the funeral, I would give myself permission to avoid my feelings by doing what I do best, which is take control. And when the clock hit 10:00 AM, when the funeral started, I was to sit down, no longer be in charge (because everyone had their time slot, music, speech, whatever) and at that point, I was to sit down and wallow in my grief.
Annndd… what does this have to do with work? A lot.
To have the best running operation, we need people to be present for their jobs. In those moments, when a person isn't present, mistakes are made, accidents happen, and your company pays the price.
I've had many times where I need to meet with someone, and they aren't all there in that meeting, they're fighting an emotion. I ask them what is wrong, and they look back and say to not worry about them… Honestly, while I am a people person, in those moments, it's not just the person I am worried about… It's the business. I can't have people fighting with powerful personal emotions to try and focus on work. That's just a disaster waiting to happen. In those moments, I tell them to stop what they are doing and just talk to me. Sometimes after a few minutes of discussion and allowing them to be present with what they are dealing with, that emotion moves on, and we resume work talk.
Other times, I send them out of the office to go be with that emotion, clear their head, and then we'll resume.
Most the times these conversations result in tears being shed. Do you know why you might feel better after a good cry? Because tears remove cortisol and concentrated levels of manganese from your body. Elevated manganese is associated with stress, irritability and anxiety. Crying also lowers blood pressure, which in turn, can lower the levels of heart attacks and strokes. Allowing your people to avoid their emotions in the moment? It's a health risk to them too. Now, this isn't medical advice, because too little manganese causes medical issues, and too much causes medical issues. I think it's the same with stress, too much… and we're a walking heart-attack waiting to happen, to little stress, and our cave man brain stirs up trouble. Why does it stir up trouble? Because fear, for eons, was the key to our survival. And coming together in groups to create safety and reduce fear, was also the key to our survival.
Do you know what I see when we glorify people coming to work while they are facing personal adversity? I see businesses being less successful. I see teams not being allowed the opportunity to rise to the occasion. I see the fact that processes aren't in place, and we are relying on tribal knowledge of the stressed out individual - then rewarding them for doing work anyway. I see people who are so fundamentally wired to be recognized for work, that they fail to take care of their personal life. I see unhealthy employees, I see stressed out staff, and I see profits not be fully realized.
We hear a lot of talk, mostly aimed at women, about work life balance. I abhor that concept. There is no balance in life, not when you really want to be with something in that moment - in that moment, all that exists is that great piece of chocolate, the devastating effects of a loved one's death, or giving birth! You know that giving birth is not a work life balance, it's only about life in that moment. We're birthing your business, and in order to focus on your business, we need your staff engaged.
And yet, here we are honoring people for putting the very thing that makes them human aside to deliver a half-assed product.
Do you know who Christy Wright is? She's one of the Dave Ramsey personalities. Mother of three, she travels the country speaking to women business owners. She doesn't talk about work life balance. She talks about "doing the right thing at the right time." Sometimes, allowing employees 5 minutes to wallow in their emotions, allows a tenfold return in them wallowing about your business. It creates loyalty. It creates a bond.
We're in an interesting time right now. Still dealing with the trauma of COVID, kids doing school from home, wearing masks, podding, social distance, no hugs… my gosh… No hugs!!! Maybe your workplace has huggers, maybe it doesn't, but the simple act of a hug reduces stress. Our employees are not okay right now, I know I'm not okay right now. And yet, we still have a product to get out the door, you still have a business to run. You still have a family or a lifestyle you are supporting. You still have employees with families they need to support.
So, what's the answer? For me, it's the wallow. The wallow for me is the time I allow myself to fully feel what I need to feel. I give myself permission to go into the wallow at a certain time, sometimes I give myself a deadline on it, sometimes I don't - but in any case, I give myself permission to feel and accept that feeling and what it does to me. But just the act of knowing that I can focus on work now and focus on whatever my body needs to process later in the day... it allows me productive when I need to be productive.
I spend time telling staff to do just that. You have a big family issue? Take time tonight to be with that big family issue. Feel it, cry about it! For goodness sakes, reduce your chance of a heart attack! A little bit of stress is normal, stress after stress after stress, it's not good for anyone. Rewarding people for ignoring their stress can backfire on your business in the long run.
To be clear, I'm not talking about your employees taking mental health days at the drop of a hat. I'm talking about the soft side of coaching, which allows people be with the part of them that makes them human. After all, we're human BE-ings, not human DO-ings.
To be a human being full engaged at work, one also needs to be a human being fully engaged in just being.
So, what's the secret to a fully engaged work crew? Some really basic stuff. First, it's processes, yep… SOPs, or standard operating procedures, documented. We've all had that one employee, or worked with that one person, who took so much pride in their job that they never took a day off, and never showed anyone how to do their job. They claim their job can't be documented. Maybe a 100% of it can't, but 80% of it can. Every job has contingencies. That's normal. But every job has more standard processes. So, claiming their job is so unique it can't be put into a process? There is nothing healthy about that. Moving away from tribal knowledge will actually create more teamwork. More teamwork creates more profit. Which leads to…
Second, it's training and cross training. Not letting any one person hold the keys to the kingdom. Sure, some people are better at things than others, but not allowing your team to rise to the occasion when someone needs to "BE" somewhere else, that's not healthy. You need to allow your team to rise to the occasion through training. It's like a fire drill, you create a process that you hope you don't have to use, you practice it, and everyone knows what to do when the unlikely event happens.
I'm going to give you a tool. I've shared this with employees in training. It hit a nerve… the room went dead quiet. I did the training with three or four groups, each group? Yep, same results - dead thoughtful silence. It's the Zig Ziglar Wheel of Life. The actual wheel is 7 pieces, or pie slices. I like a 7 sliced pie. 6 pieces, and the slices feel too big, 8 and they feel a bit underwhelming… There are versions of this with 8 pieces, but I like the 7 piece one the best, the areas don't fill diluted.
The 7 slices are:
Career
Financial
Spiritual
Physical
Intellectual
Family
Social
What is the 8th one that pops up from time to time? Romance… I feel that romance is covered through four of these: family, intellectual, physical, and spiritual. Now, that's different for everyone… But that's why I like the 7 slice. But you do you! The important part is the actual exercise that I am about to fill you in on.
What you do is take each slice and fill in from the center out to the point where you feel fulfilled in that particular area. Here's the hint, it's not about being 100% fulfilled in everything. Now look at it like a car tire. It's about identifying what makes the tire go flat.
Do you see where your tire is flat, or your slice is underwhelming? How does that make you feel? Don't do something about it just yet. The key here is not action, it's the wallow. Maybe you think it's underwhelming because society tells you to think that. Be with that feeling. Acknowledge the discomfort you might feel, honor it, be with it. Are you secretly okay with it? Then fill up that slice and be okay that you are comfortable with what society thinks is different. Where is your slice full? How does that make you feel. Are you thinking it's full because your friends tell you that you are lucky in that area of life? Or to take a page from Marie Kondo, does it truly spark joy you when you think about it? If it's everything that society tells you to feel, but it's really not right? Empty the slice a bit. Notice how you feel about that when you get honest with yourself.
We're conditioned to think that emotions make us weak, and that they make us vulnerable. They don't. They make us strong; they make us healthy. Be with your emotions, acknowledge what makes you sad, angry, and happy! Be confident in what makes you uniquely you. Fighting your emotions? It serves no one, especially your business. Teach your employees the same.
Quite the brain trail, right?
What's the point here? Enjoy your emotions, acknowledge the pain, reward your employees for the right reasons, reward your teams for acting like a team, create processes that allow them to work together. Teach them to do the right things at the right time.
Most importantly when you need to wallow? Go forth and be! And Wallow!